I got back yesterday afternoon at 1405hrs.

Many things I have experienced during my trip. Good and bad. Mostly good.

Instead of returning back home feeling more relieved than ever, I find myself in a situation that requires alot of thinking and praying and most of all, time.

I discovered that I had never stopped loving him despite the rocky sticky situations we were in. In fact it grew even more. I spent some nights sleeping with him. Just lying next to him, on a balcony overlooking a beach in Lattakia and the last night in Syria, head to head in his living room. It is a very innocent thing we both did. His parents were ok with it because we weren’t doing anything bad.

I found myself closer to his family. I have been teased constantly by his dad and uncle and even his mother. I was annoyed by his brother Quise and most of all, I’ve been loved by each and everyone of them. I feel overwhelmed by this and I honestly don’t know how to face it.

Language barrier almost never exist. I learnt arabic pretty fast although I couldn’t make complete sentences, I know how to decline and say thank you and do most greetings. I know what and when to say certain things and I certainly can read off numbers without any difficulty. I can understand arabic as long as the person is speaking slowly.

Nearly everyday i cried dreading to leave him…

This feeling of despair is great and there is this huge hole in my heart and my life suddenly felt empty.

Love hurts.

I kept this very hush-hush because I didn’t exactly know whether it is going to happen or not. It has been a rocky ride lately for us. Haian and I that is. But I know one thing that’s certain is I am going to Syria to see things for myself.

Here’s the thing. I am departing tonight at 3-ish in the morning on Qatar Airways onward to Damascus via Doha. I got my visas at hand and I am fucking excited!

Haian’s talking to me right now and we are expressing our excitement. I have not practiced my arabic words and all. Geez…. I hope I don’t stumble fumble and make a bloody fool out of myself.

I will be in Syria from the 14-22 June 2008. Will arrive back in Singapore about 1400hrs on the 23rd of June. Should’ve considered staying longer. I’d love to but I know I can’t.

Will be celebrating my birthday over there!!! Woo hoo! Ok I gotta double check my luggage.

3 Sundays have passed.

Last I’ve met them was 23rd May 2008.

Is the emptiness and loneliness there because I miss them so much? Or is it because of something else? I seriously felt that something is amiss.

This morning when I woke up, I realized that I had a dream about them. I miss them so much. I sat at home feeling so restless on a Saturday morning with nothing to do. I didn’t feel like meeting up with my other friends. All I wanted was that same old routine I’ve been going through for 3 years. Meeting up Yana early morning but always end up arriving for class late.

Usually, after a rough day at work, I have something to look forward to. Something that keeps me sane. Not a pack of ciggies would do the trick.

I uploaded these a couple of nights ago and I recalled each and every memory there was in that 3 years.

And for some odd reason, I miss my lecturers namely Ferlin Jayatissa, Darshan, Dr Ganapathy, Albert Pung and one more guy who is a Manchester United Fan….can’t remember his name. Albert something? Usually the named ones here are the interesting ones hee..so I’m fucking biased! WHATEVER!

WHEN WILL WE MEET AGAIN?

I am feeling the anger and pain and utter hatred towards my job. Yeah, no doubt I get to know alot of pilots along the way, but the one thing I can’t handle is the things that I am required to do. There’s one too many things to be done and I cannot cope with it. It is hard and the pay that I’m getting doesn’t compensate, balance out with what I am currently doing.

I am so tempted to just hand in my resignation and fuck it all. But I always remember what Eunice says. It is not good to burn down bridges. But what bridge is there to salvage when it is already burnt down by the amount of work that I am supposed to do. 3000 pilots are handled by 2 people. Me and my colleague who is on long medical leave. And I’ve been trying to cope like mad for the past 1 and a half months. Work is easing and when I thought everything is going to get better after the temp staff arrived, I was wrong. There had to be something that I had forgotten to do because there is TOO MUCH TO DO in the first place. Or at least I thought I had forgotten about it. I don’t know. I am just resenting everything and I can’t take it anymore.

I have nothing to say about this but this is perhaps the final straw. If I don’t like it, I will just leave.

There’s the seven of us. Myself, Ryan, Farah, Darren, Dongyu, Yuansheng and Zhaoling. We had dinner at Sour Puss and had a great time. Fusion food is certainly great. We had all the signature dishes at Sour Puss and no doubt about it, it truly is nice. Kudos to Sour Puss @ The Esplanade. I salute as the owner is actually a Malay.

We sang “Happy Birthday” to Darren and took one too many pictures! We had much food. Burgers, fries, there’s loads of fries, fish and chips, chicken chop, soft shell crab and all fused up with a taste of Asian and Western. It’s interesting and really nice. I wrote a review on the restaurant so yeah………… :) 

After eating, we sat at the Esplanade and chatted more. I guess the one thing I couldn’t get over is that Farah was swearing at Zhaoling, “Fuck You” and Zhaoling replied, “Sorry no thanks!” And I couldn’t stop laughing over that. hehehe..!!

I had finished work at about 8.40pm today. I was trying to clear some stuff but with an exhausted mind and body, I managed to only clear the things that are truly urgent.

Time, reaching it’s way to 7 ish, I had realized that there is no more class today. I stopped and wondered, is this for real? It was then at that hour, I received text messages from some of my classmates, Evelyn and Jumari on how awkward the first week, first day without school was. For 3 years we suffered together. Late nights, having supper together, having presentations, discussions and whatnots.

If a person tells you that they understood exactly what we went through, work and school, that person is lying unless they have gone through it themselves. No one can understand exactly how it is like to go to work, have a bloody hectic day and at the end of it, another 3 extra hours in school trying to pay attention to every single word the lecturer has to say and pass the exams at the end of every three months. For three years, passing by major events like IMF, Mas Selamat Kastari, National Day and many more. I’ve seen my classmates more than exhausted. Slogged through exams, going to Home Team Academy or even the old Police Academy to revise or even Ang Mo Kio’s MacDonald’s or the HDB flat opposite Temasek Poly, been there, done that.

The thing is, no matter how exhausting it was, we look forward to our break times which is usually from 8.15pm onwards for like 15 minutes which we always drag to half an hour, up to no good at level 1 of the business school block, joking, laughing, ‘farting’ and a little bit of flirting going on. And after class, is another ritual of up to no goodness at the carpark, same old story. It was fun. 3 years, we made fun of how we all speak, how some of us tripped on our tongues and mispronounced so many words that everytime when we speak normally, we are reminded of the time we laughed so hard of the mistake made.

All that, gone. Reality hit. School’s out forever….and I don’t know if I can ever take it. I broke down and cry in the office and when I had finished work, I actually went to Causeway Point. It is a Tuesday, with no lessons and I have no clue what to do.

Messaged Yana and walked aimlessly at Causeway Point, waiting for people to reply to my text messages, I ended up going to her house, collected my DVD and a very late dinner with her.

My dearest classmates, from the bottom of my heart, I love and miss you all. I wished the good times had not ended so soon.

We all must learn that time and life waits for no one!!! so we all must learn to enjoy all of life right now, while we still have the time on this earth to enjoy it!!! We all will face some kind of cross roads in our lifetimes, some recent things have made me realize that time and life waits for no one!!! .Nur is trully a bliss and I thank God that i have a loving supportive girlfriend . Sometimes in our lives it takes a major event, be it bad health, lost of a loved one, or whatever, to awaken us all that life and time waits for no one, and if we all live this life of ours here on earth in the right way, then at the end, we will all have total peace in a special place called Heaven!!!
I missed you honey this week.All the best in your exams

It is an hour to my final presentation for this final semester.
And about 4 hours ago, I had a Java Chip Frappucino.
Now, my hands are all shivery. Effects of coffee.
Note to self, never take coffee again.
Then again…I’ll probably bend the rules of coffee drinking.
Like I said, an hour to my final presentation, I’m nervous and I’m jittery.
Doesn’t seem to help even though I do remember what I’m supposed to say.
Doesn’t help when Darshan (my lecturer) passed a remark, “Oh all the natural born speakers are here…”
What if I turn stupid in a second…?!
My hands are not shaking now, but my soul is.
Does that make any sense?

I have really strong views on things around me and if something affects me I want to be able to talk to people about it that it affects too. I can to an extent do that, but not with everyone. I have always told Nur I am unable to express myself well to all the people. Only with Nur for sure, a few very close friends and family members. It’s quite strange as I am a very outgoing person but I hate doing things that may hurt the other person. I don’t want to hurt people but I want to be able to say I don’t like something or that what they’ve done has hurt me.
So I am going to try that. Whenever someone hurts me or annoys me a lot or hurts others around me then I will say something. Not in an aggressive way I’ll just tell them. I am not really sure but I’ll think of something. I want to be able to just talk. About nothing. About things that really matter. About important things. About things that go on around us. Things that are affecting me personally. And I want to be able to listen to people when they talk about this kind of stuff. I want to trust and be trusted with feelings